Diary of a Douchebag
by PartiPooper
Summary: Hey, Diary, it's me again: Eric. I am so goddamn fucking tired of just sitting here sobbing about and jacking off to Kyle. It's all very lonely and pathetic, and I'm going to put a stop to it. That's right: I've finally decided to woo Kyle and get him to fall in love with me. (Kyman Multi-Chapter; Rated T for profanities and Eric's vulgarities.)
1. Douchebag Reaches Desperacy

Dear Diary,

Hey, it's me again: Eric. You probably remember me from the last hundred or so entries. You probably also remember that most of those entries consist of me saying _"I love Kyle!"_ and _"I wish Kyle would love me..."_ and shit like that. Some of them can't even count as entries since they're just embarrassing moments where I've given into the temptation to draw a love heart and write _Kyle Cartman_ or _Eric Broflovski_ in it. If anybody finds out about those then I'll have to commit suicide to save myself the humiliation, I swear.

Anyway, the point I'm bringing all this up is because I'm tired. I am so goddamn fucking tired of just sitting here sobbing about and jacking off to Kyle. It's all very lonely and pathetic, and I'm going to put a stop to it. That's right: I've finally decided to woo Kyle. Instead of just being stuck with these unrequited feelings, I'm going to get him to fall in love with me. It's gonna take a lot of work, what with him hating me and all, but it's worth a shot. If all fails, then I'll just return to a cycle of sobbing and jacking off, simultaneously. But if all goes well, then I could be looking at Kyle jacking me off for me, and that'd be kickass, so I'm all for giving it a go.

I'll initiate _Operation: Woo Kyle_ first thing tomorrow morning. I don't know what I'm going to _do_ yet, but Butters says I should just be nice. He's a gay pussy faggot, but a bunch of people actually like him, so I guess his advice should be taken. Still, I don't really know what _"nice"_ actually _is_. Other than Kyle's ass. That's nice. But anyway, I'll figure out how to be nice, and then I'll be nice to Kyle, and then hopefully pretty soon you'll be looking at the boyfriend of Kyle Broflovski...maybe...

Yours truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Kyle's ass is so totally nice though. I could write poetry about that shit...Perhaps I _should_ do that. Would that be considered nice?

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong>

**Blergh, I dunno what the heck this is, I just thought it'd be cute and I hope you do too. If not, then _blergh_ again! Whatever, if you like this then...I dunno. Why? What's wrong with you? Pfft, I'm just kidding, please love me.  
>Stick around for more, because there will be more, because I have no life and nothing else to do but write the diary of a cute gaywad with a crush.<br>Thanks for reading this, and I hope you liked doing so as much as I liked writing it.**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	2. Operation Initiation

Dear Diary,

As you know, _Operation: Woo Kyle_ was initiated this morning. It all feels very anticlimactic though. All that happened was I sweated more than usual standing beside him at the bus stop cus I was so nervous, and he looked at me weird and asked if I was coming down with something. I dunno, at least it shows he cares, maybe? Or am I just misreading stuff in my desperation?...Probably the latter. But, hey, it wasn't a total failure, cus I was nice to him. I told him I like his hair. I mean, he gave me a suspicious look for it, but it's still early days, and the more compliments I give him the more used to them he'll become, right? He'll be swooning into my arms in no time with these smooth moves, I swear.

However, there may be a drawback to my plan. Kenny totally has hawk-eyes or something, because he noticed me being a freaky weirdo and confronted me about it. Apparently he's known for a hella long time that I love Kyle. Fuck. And there was me thinking I was being subtle. I mean, I pick on him all the time, so how was anybody supposed to know? I'm pretty pissed, but at least Ken was cool about it. He said he was rooting for me or whatever. I still don't trust him though. He's a poor piece of shit, so I bet if anybody offered to pay him five dollars for any dirt he had on me, then that little pussy-licker wouldn't hesitate to tell my whole life story, warts and all.

Butters knows too, but that's because I told him when he stayed over at my house this one time. It was stupid, I know, cus he's a big blabbermouth – the school's infamous gossiper – but he's such a ball-licker that I think I can trust him to keep it secret. He's said he'll help me too. I asked him today at lunch what being nice was, and he said a lot of bullshit which basically all translated to being a suck-up. And so, it looks like I've gotta suck up if I want Kyle to suck me, haha!

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Apparently, poetry about Kyle's ass wouldn't be nice, says Butters. What a fucking killjoy.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Wow, so this story got more interest than I thought it would, and that's kinda cool. I am so surprised and very grateful and I love you all!  
>Okay, so I have this Kyman headcanon that Kenny can totally smell Eric's crush on Kyle from a bajillion miles away, 'cause it's so very obvious to someone as observant as him. Thus why he's here. And Butters, because you can never have enough of Butters.<br>I don't even know where this is going, to be honest - don't know how it's going to end, or if I'm ever going to manage to finish it in the first place. But whatever, I'm having fun with it for now, and if you're having fun for now too then it's all hunky-dory fabuloso.  
>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you had as much fun doing so as I did writing it.<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	3. Shakespeare, Eat Your Heart Out

Dear Diary,

Today was my second day of wooing Kyle, and I complimented him at the bus stop again – told him that I liked his shirt. Nice, am I right? Only problem with that is he was actually wearing a coat at the time, so I had no fucking idea what shirt he was wearing underneath. Cue weird look from Kyle. I've seriously gotta stop letting my nerves get the better of me. I thought I made a nice save by saying that I _bet_ I'd like his shirt if I knew what shirt he was wearing, but obviously he didn't think the save as nice as I did or else he wouldn't have side-stepped away from me. Goddamnit.

My luck wasn't much better in English. I tried to show what a supportive boyfriend I have the potential to be by agreeing with every interpretation he suggested about the book we're studying in class, but that just made not only Kyle but _everybody_ give me weird looks, and Kenny was just shaking his head at me. He told me at the lockers after class that I was trying _way_ too hard and I needed to tone it down. I said that if I toned it down then I'd just be the asshole Kyle doesn't like again, but he replied that that's only half-true. What the hell did he mean by that? I'm sick of that pauper's mind games.

Lunch was where it got worse. I was just trying to give Kyle some of my tater tots, y'know, like that _Lady and the Tramp_ scene with the meatballs and spaghetti. I woulda got Butters on accordion singing _Bella Notte_ if I coulda, cus it was meant to be a romantic gesture. Kyle just narrowed his eyes at me for it though and asked what I was up to. Apparently it was suspicious because I never share food. Sheesh, they all ask me why I never change, but the whole reason I don't is because everybody acts like the end is fuckin' nigh whenever I try to. What a bunch of fucktards. Even Kyle. But at least Kyle's a hot fucktard.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. I wrote poetry about Kyle's ass anyway.

Oh, Kyle,  
>Thou ass be like mountains,<br>Vast and supple.  
>I wanna tap that.<p>

Butters didn't like it and said he didn't think Kyle would either. But, eh, what does he know?

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I agree with Eric - dat poem is da shit. And, I dunno, does it feel like the pace has picked up and we're getting somewhere with...whatever this is? If not, too bad, because this is as fast and hip-and-happening as it gets. Maybe I should have called this _Like Watching Paint Dry, But Worse_.  
>Thanks for reading this, and I hope you fell asleep doing so as much as I did writing it.<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	4. The Bottom of the Stairs

Dear Diary,

Why can't people take a compliment? This morning at the bus stop I told Kyle his eyes were pretty. I almost passed out doing it, but I managed it. But then he just totally turned on me and said he didn't know what I was up to but he didn't like it. I swore down to him that I wasn't up to anything and I was just being nice but he said that I don't even know the meaning of the word. He wasn't exactly wrong. It still hurt though. It's like that feeling you get when you look up a flight of stairs and see how far you still have to go before you reach the top. Where I'm at, I haven't even placed a foot on the bottom step yet. It almost makes me wanna give up, but when I remember the lonely jacking-off waiting for me if I do, it keeps me going.

Still, I was feeling pretty down about the bus stop incident, so at lunch I sat with Kenny and Butters and had a conference thingy about it to see what they thought. Kenny told me I was trying too hard again, and that I just need to be myself and be a dick to Kyle like always. The stupid dickface actually said that Kyle _liked _that me, more than I knew. The poor sucker said it with such conviction that it's almost like he actually believed it. Even Butters agreed with him, saying when I acted like a dick I gave Kyle a reaction, like chemistry or whatever. I dunno, I think those two were high or something. They did suggest something good though: that I hang out with Kyle – have bonding time and all that shit. I gotta admit, that does sound pretty good.

I've invited the guys to hang at mine Friday night. I'd prefer it to be just me and Kyle alone – more romantic, y'know – but I don't know if I could be alone with him for long without blowing up from an awkward concoction of nerves and horniness, so Stan and Kenny for moral support it is. Agh, but now I'm super psyched for the end of the week and it's only Wednesday! If you don't hear from me from now onwards, it's because I've died waiting.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Patience ain't a virtue. It's a bitch.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Oh, look at that, something might happen soon. Maybe. We can hope, right? I'm just kidding, there's no hope for this pile of crap, haha!  
>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you enjoyed doing so as much as I enjoyed writing it.<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	5. What Rhymes With KFC?

Dear Diary,

God, what the fuck does Kyle want from me, seriously?! I took Kenny's advice: I stopped trying too hard and didn't compliment him this morning. And what do I get for it? More suspicious glares! Psh, what an asshole. He's so difficult to handle, I swear to Christ, sometimes I don't know why I love him...But then he smiles, or he laughs, or his face crumples when he's angry, or he goes around screaming like that internet goat, and it's so funny and great that I know why all over again...Fuck. I'm deep in it, aren't I? Which one though: love or shit? The answer is both. Either way I'm fucked, and I need to make him love me pronto so it's okay to kiss him, or else I am going to fucking lose it.

Gym happened today, and it sucked balls. Not just because it's my worst subject, but because it means I have to be in the same vicinity as Kyle while he's changing clothes. Do you know how distracting that is? The amount of times I've almost been caught checking him out is unreal. His ass gets nicer every day. How is that even possible? Gym wasn't all bad though. I was on the same team as Kyle for dodgeball, and we kicked ass together. Seriously, we were like the dynamite duo or whatever. When we won he even smiled at me, and high-fived me. That was kickass. I'd much prefer to hold his hand than slap it though, just to see what it'd be like. I bet it's warm. Everything about him seems warm.

Butters thinks today went well. He noticed me and Kyle celebrating after the game, and he said we're making progress. Could it be, perhaps, that I have finally taken that first step up the stairs? I damn well hope so – this progress shit is going slower than Butters' sex life. I hope that Friday night will be where it all kicks off – no school periods to get in the way; just me and Kyle (and Stan and Kenny) together for hours and hours.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. The Muses have inspired the poet within me once more.

Like KFC,  
>Yo ass so nice.<br>But not like rice.  
>Rice is gross,<br>Which your ass is not;  
>It's hot.<p>

Butters sighed and Kenny fell off his seat laughing like a fucking idiot when I read it out to them at lunch. Jesus Christ, can't these mother-fuckers see talent or what?

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Ah, I gotta say, writing Eric with a big goofy crush makes me so happy. Like, I don't care how bad this is, just so long as he's a dork about everything to do with Kyle. Just, yes.  
>Also, c'mon, would they or would they not be totally awesome when teamed up together? We've seen them working together amazingly in the show, so don't tell me they wouldn't totally kick ass when teamed up in gym and shit like that.<br>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you grinned goofily doing so as much as I did writing it.**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	6. Gotta Get Down On Friday

Dear Diary,

Hallelujah, praise the Lord, salvation has come at last! It's Friday, so not only is another week of school over, thank the fucking heavens, but also Kyle (and Stan and Kenny, whatever) came over, and it was great. I got to sit next to Kyle while we did what we do on guy nights, and while we were close he touched me. Like, when I took my turn playing a video-game, he'd slap my arm and thigh while shouting, _"No, don't go in there yet, you didn't find all the chests, go back, go back!"_ It was so funny, seriously, he's the cutest little shit. I missed most of the chests just so that he'd blow up at me and go all red with rage, haha! And then when we put on a horror movie and all huddled together on the couch and shared a blanket, Kyle kept clutching to me – not Stan, _me_ – and burying his face into my shoulder whenever it got gory or he got scared. Maybe it was mean of me to choose something gory when I know Kyle isn't good with that kind of stuff, but whatever, it got him close to me, so I am yet to feel guilty.

Kenny says I'm doing better now. When I went into the kitchen to get some more snacks at one point, he came in and clapped me on the shoulder and gave me a thumbs-up. Obviously he saw the way Kyle was with me and thought it was killer too. That's cool and all, but the only problem is, I told him, that I can't seem to get any real alone time with Kyle. He grinned at that though. _"Leave that to me,"_ he said. The heck did he mean by that? Well, whatever, Kenny's got laid a hell of a lot, so if anyone knows the best way to woo someone, it's him. I'm actually kinda glad he's on my team now. Maybe I _can_ trust that almost-hobo after all.

It sucked seeing Kyle (and Stan and Kenny, I guess) leave, and knowing I probably won't see him (them, meh) until Monday rolls around again, but whatever, I'm happy with how shit's gone down. I feel like I'm getting somewhere. Maybe I am. I can hope, right?

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. I noticed when he was hiding behind me that Kyle smells really, _really_ nice. I don't know what shampoo he wears or whatever, but it's fan-fucking-tastic.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Okay, so I have a big headcanon that Kyle can't stand gore and stuff like that. I mean, did you see the way he reacted watching _Passion of the Christ_? Yes, you can argue that he was just freaked out about it because he was a little kid watching it all alone at the time, but I am all for a Kyle that doesn't like gore. I'm also into the idea of an aggro-gamer Kyle, who gets stressed trying to collect everything in every level and shouts expletives at the screen when he misses a single collectible item or hidden Easter Egg.  
>Hey, look at that. Progress. They're doing stuff together. It almost looks like this story is actually going somewhere. But in actuality I'm totally duping you and it's going nowhere.<br>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you had as much fun doing so as I did writing it.**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	7. Douchebag on a Date

Dear Diary,

I take back everything I said about Kenny last time. I can't trust him. He's a pussy-licking idiot and I hate him! _"Leave that to me," _translates to, _"I'm going to fuck you over, big time."_ He texted me this morning and said he was going to the arcade with the guys and asked me if I wanted to go. Hell yeah I wanted to go – arcades are the shit. But when I got there, just Kyle was there. When I asked where the others were, he said that Kenny called a bit ago and said he and Stan couldn't make it. So it was just me and Kyle. Shortly after that explanation, I got a text from Kenny. _"Have fun!"_ it said, with a little fucking winking smiley. Kenny's sneakier than a Jew, and that's saying something.

I know I should've been psyched getting Kyle to myself all Saturday, but it sucked because I was so fucking nervous. I couldn't even talk to him, my throat was so dry, so I just grunted at whatever he said and he probably thought I was being aloof, but I just had no idea what to say to make him fall for me! I'm going to be honest here, I don't know any pick-up lines, I don't! It was so awkward...Well, at first, anyway. But then Kyle went to a claw machine and tried to win a Terrance and Phillip doll. I swear, I've never seen someone suck so hard at a crane game. He kept going for all the worst dolls. Luckily for him, he happened to be with a claw machine master. I stepped in, and in just one try I'd got him a doll, piece of pie...And when I gave it to him, he smiled at me. He fuckin' _beamed_ at me, like some kinda flashlight, and my stomach did all this gay fluttery shit...

...I don't get it. People shove money and toys and food and clothes in my face – all the shit I could ever want and never need – and none of it ever really makes me happy. But Kyle just needs to look at me like that – like he likes me – and I'm the happiest guy alive. How does that work? I dunno. Maybe it's one of those things I'll never understand. That's fine with me, so long as Kyle never stops smiling. And he didn't – for the rest of the day, even when he lost to me at some other games, he was still laughing, and grinning, in that way I really fucking love, and, hell, it actually seemed as though he was having fun...Maybe he was...I hope so. If he can have as much fun with me as I have with him, then that's kickass.

We didn't part ways after we finished at the arcade. We went to eat at one of the lousy diners in our sucky town, but it was great. We shared a pizza. Yeah, it's weird for me to share food, but my stomach was still doing that fluttering thing, so I don't think a whole pizza would've settled in there. And actually, it was nice to share. I never thought I'd like sharing, but I did. It was funny when our slices got stuck together by stringy cheese and we laughed about it. And we talked! I got some soda down my throat and wetted it so I could actually make words come out of my mouth – and I'd forgotten my nerves after the claw machine anyway – so we talked for ages about everything and nothing! I mean, we disagreed on movie and video-game opinions, and argued a hell of a lot, but that's just us – it's our thing. And when we parted ways he pretty much made my heart stop altogether because he said he'd had fun, and he couldn't wait for next time.

Next time. There's going to be a next time. I don't know whether he meant just us two again, or bringing Stan and Kenny along, but either way is great, just so long as I get to be with him more.

...Y'know what? Maybe Kenny isn't so bad after all.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Today is going down in history as one of the happiest days of my life.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Huh. Wow. Look at that. Length. Haven't seen that in a chapter for this series before. But the cutie was excited about his crushie, so he had a lot to write.  
>Also, hats off to Kenny, you lil cupid. Seriously, I'm writing him like he ships them together, but that's because, here, he does. They're his OTP.<br>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you enjoyed doing so as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	8. Douchebag is (Not) a Doctor

Dear Diary,

Why must a bad day always follow a good one? I was having a chill day, just watching TV and gaming and snacking, and thinking about how cool yesterday was, and my mom had gone out in the evening so I had the house to myself to do whatever the fuck I wanted. But just an hour or so later, I heard her car pull up in the driveway, and that was weird cus she wasn't usually home so early. I didn't pay much mind to it though – just kept doing what I was doing. But then she walked in, and one side of her face was swollen and blotchy, and I knew that some fuckbuddy of hers had gotten aggressive. She snorts some heavy shit with them though, so they often get a little crazy.

So that was my Sunday gone. I had to get the medical kit out and spend the rest of the night playing doctor. That's what we used to call it anyway. When she got beaten by the people she fucked back when I was in elementary school, I'd dress and act the part like the stupid little turd I was – put one of my white, long-sleeved, button-down shirts on back to front like scrubs, wear my toy stethoscope, and press it to her bruises and listen to them like that actually fucking did anything. She was stupid too though – she just fucking smiled at me when I did that and told me I was cute and the best doctor she'd ever had. If I was really the best doctor, she wouldn't need to keep coming back to me to be treated. If I was really the best doctor, I would've fixed her up for good a long time ago. But I'm not. It's all pretend. She pretends she's fine, and I pretend it doesn't get to me.

I was looking forward to seeing Kyle in school tomorrow, but now I won't be able to. I have to be here to look after my mom. She's safe in bed, and she'll just rest up until she's better, but there've been times in the past where her fuckbuddies have come to our house to give her more hell, so I've gotta play bodyguard. I hope Kyle doesn't go back to full-on hating me after one day of separation though. Shit was just getting good with him.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Sometimes my life is cool as hell, but mostly it just sucks ass.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Gasp, drama and angst and shit, wow, look, look at that!...Yeah, I don't know anymore, but the fluff could only go on so long without getting stale and a few bumps had to be hit in the road, so here we are.  
>I sort of like Eric and his mom's relationship: two messed-up people kinda looking out for each other. Is that just me, or...?<br>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you liked doing so as much as I liked writing it.**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	9. Day-Brightening Day-Walker

Dear Diary,

Today was kind of alright. Yeah, I was at my mom's bedside most of the time, and that sucked, but then something great happened. Kyle showed up after school. If that isn't a day-brightener, I don't know what is. I mean, I was pretty fucking tired – had bags under my eyes and was frowning everywhere – so Kyle probably couldn't tell I was glad to see him, but I really was. He brought me English stuff for the class I missed that day, but then he actually asked me if I was alright cus I looked like shit. So I let him in, got him a drink, sat him down on the couch, and told him my problems. I don't know why I fucking did that. I don't want Kyle to hear that shit. He'll think I'm pathetic, and that won't make him love me at all. He doesn't want to hear my bitching, and yet something about him makes me just, I dunno, talk. Say stupid shit. Strange thing is, I don't regret it. Talking to Kyle didn't actually do anything – didn't miraculously alleviate my mom's whorish tendencies or magically bring forth a solution to my problems – but it helped in its own little way. I feel better. It's nice, not bottling this shit up for once.

Kyle was all sorry for my mom and nice about it too. He promised he'd get his lawyer dad to do something about it – press charges on the guy. He gave up though when I pointed out that wouldn't work cus then some lawful guy might dig too deep and find all my mom's hard-core drugs, and the whole court case would backfire. And then Kyle apologised. I don't get it, why people apologise about something that isn't their fault. Like that time Kyle and Stan and Kenny actually felt bad for _other people_ even though it didn't matter because they weren't gonna get in trouble. I still don't get that. I don't get why they do the things they do, but Kyle did it anyway, and, I dunno, I kinda got a lump in my throat. Made it hard to act like I don't give a shit. But Kyle's always seen through my acting anyway, so what does it matter?

Whatever, despite all the shit that's happened, I'm glad I got to see Kyle today, especially when I thought I wouldn't. When he left my house he told me to call him if I need anything, and then he hugged me. Actually fucking initiated physical contact with me. It was so fucking nice. I'm gonna be replaying that hug in my dreams tonight: the feel of him, the smell of him, the warmth of him – everything.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. I swear, if anyone ever touches Kyle the wrong way, I'll beat their ass into next week. There won't even be a court case – they'll simply be served their just desserts by yours truly. No fucking hesitation.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Did someone order a chapter where Person A is down but Person B makes them feel better?...No?...Ah, too bad, that's what you fuckin' got.  
>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you liked doing so as much as I liked writing it.<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	10. Gay Little Flower

Dear Diary,

My mom was feeling better today – well enough to take care of herself – and if the guy was gonna come to beat her around a little more, then he would've shown up already, so I went to school. Do you know that feeling when you wanna just hug someone really badly? Yeah, I felt that at the bus stop when Kyle asked me how my mom was. Nobody's ever given a shit about my mom before – all think she doesn't feel shit just cus she's a whore – so it means a lot, y'know. So I told him she was fine – banged-up, but surviving – and I thought that'd be that, but when the bus came he didn't sit next to Stan like he usually would; he sat next to me and kept asking me stuff. It almost felt like he wanted to get to know me. It was nice. Gave me hope.

In return, I gave him a flower – one I picked from the grass around the school. He still looked suspicious about it, but he didn't blow up at me and demand to know what evil scheme I was plotting – he just took it kinda hesitantly and said thanks real unsurely. He was a little pensive for a bit after that, but after a while he seemed to realise that accepting a flower from me wouldn't be the death of him, so relaxed. Meanwhile, giving him a flower was certainly almost the death of me. I couldn't even speak, couldn't even say, _"Here's a gay little flower for you, Jew, whatever."_ My throat just closed up and I probably looked like a weirdo, mutely shoving a flower in his face. Maybe that was why he was wary about it. My nerves are really hindering my progress with him. I need to do something about that.

In other news, apparently Token's holding a party at the end of the week. I'm probably not invited – I'm never really invited anywhere by anyone – but fuck it, I'm turning up anyway. Gate-crashing that shit. Token's rich-ass house is cool as fuck and I ain't missing out on that. Also Kyle's going, so...Yeah.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. I should get Kyle a bouquet of his favourite flowers instead of just one measly little flower.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**And here we can see the rare PartiPooper, gracefully side-stepping away from the angst and sads in favour of courting the light-hearted fluff. What a fascinating, complex creature the evasive Fanfiction Writer is.  
>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you enjoyed doing so as much as I enjoyed writing it.<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	11. Drop the Pick-Ups

Dear Diary,

Why must I suck so hard at wooing? Like, since I was stuck for pick-up lines on Saturday I was like, _"Okay, I'll go look up some pick-up lines for next time then." _So I did, and I used them on Kyle at the bus stop today, but it didn't go well. First I used: _"Hey, are you from Tennessee? Cus you're the only ten I see!"_ He gave me that weird look and said no, he's from Colorado and I know it. Not good. Next I used: _"Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them!"_ That made him kinda do this thing where he turned slightly away from me while his eyes darted between me and the road ahead. Epic fail. Then I used: _"Did you sit in sugar? Cus your ass is sweet!"_ Which made him side-step away from me. I could see that I was losing him so I tried to think of something else to say, but nothing came to mind, so I kinda panicked and ended up just yelling in his face. I'm not cut out for this shit.

I sat next to Kenny on the bus to ask about it. I mean, it took a while to get to talk about it because that dickbag was laughing his fucking ass off at me, slapping his thigh and pounding the seat and shit, but eventually (after I smacked him upside the head) he shut the fuck up and helped me. He told me that pick-up lines are so two thousand and late. I wish he'd said that _before_ I fucking used them on the person I'm in love with and am trying to get to think I'm totally cool. So after that I got him to tell me all the ways _not_ to woo Kyle. Apparently, says Casanova Kenny, poetry is out, a bouquet of flowers is out, serenading him is out, complimenting him randomly out of nowhere is out, and so is a bunch of other stuff. If so, then how the fuck is anyone supposed to woo anybody these days? Sheesh, this operation is tougher than I thought it'd be. But I'm not giving up! I have been in love with Kyle for too fucking long to not get anything out of it. Mark my words: somehow or another, Kyle _will_ be mine. I swear it!

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. I wanna at least get to touch Kyle's butt. I can die happy then.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I love it when readers give inspiring ideas, and Eric being a dumb dork using lame pick-up lines (specifically the third one) was given to me by my darling friend DarlingDecay. Thanks, hun!  
>Uh-oh, looks like Eric needs to go back to the drawing-board about how to woo Kyle...Or, y'know, just ignore Kenny. Maybe stand below Kyle's window at night holding a boom-box. Yeah, that'll work.<br>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you had as much fun doing so as I did writing it.**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	12. Big Boys Don't Cry

Dear Diary,

As you know, Kenny gave me the lay-down about what not to do when wooing Kyle. But I still needed more of an idea, so last night I started streaming nearly every romance film under the sun. I think I was up till, like, four in the morning watching that shit. My eyes stung like bitches, and my room was a mess covered in snack wrappers and packets and shit, and now all romance movies are so predictable to me, but it was worth it. I feel wiser now, like I've had the teachings of old masters bestowed upon me. I am ready. But tired. So fucking tired.

I tried one of the techniques the movies taught me tonight, but it didn't go down well. Apparently, holding a boom-box up outside Kyle's window won't make him swoon and fall for me out of the window into my arms where he'll profess his deep, undying love for me and kiss me passionately and we'll live happily ever after. Instead, it'll make him bang his window open to yell at me, asking me what the fuck I was fucking doing and what fucking time I fucking thought it was and how he was fucking trying to fucking sleep and I needed to fuck right off fucking home. I can take a hint. When he slammed his window shut again and closed his curtains, I fucked right off fucking home. And I didn't cry even a little whilst doing it. Not. At. All.

And no, I didn't call Butters up and cry about Kyle to him. Actually, _he_ totally called _me,_ because he wanted to let me know how cool and not fat I was, as if I didn't already know, and I just so happened to mention what had happened with Kyle, to which Butters replied that when you hit bottom you can only go up, and hey, Token's party is tomorrow and maybe I can redeem myself to Kyle there. And so, if Butters goes around telling everybody that I woke him up ringing him at one in the morning, sobbing my heart out and blowing my nose at intervals throughout my half-hour of bitchy wailing, then just know that he is such a mother-fucking liar.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. I am so totally seriously. I didn't cry. At all. Too cool for that shit. Don't trust what Butters says.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Eric's right. He didn't cry...much...And yes, I used the boom-box shit I mentioned last chapter. The image amused me too much not to use. What song he played to Kyle is up to you though, and I'd love to hear your suggestions for that. I like to imagine it was _Never Gonna Give You Up_ by Rick Astley. What also amused me was the image of Cartman up till the early hours, locked away in his room with the lights off and the only illumination coming from his laptop as it played rom-com after rom-com. So I made it a reality. Deal with it. Or, y'know, don't. Whatever.  
>Oh, look. Shameless filler...No, actually, I'm a little ashamed, please don't hurt me, I'm sorry! But hey, Butters is right, the party <em>is<em> tomorrow, so shit is actually going to happen for the first time in forever, yay!**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	13. Douchebag Dances and is Karaoke King

Dear Diary,

Thank fuck Friday's here! After school, me, Kyle, Kenny and Stan went to Token's party. It was so totally sweet – Token's mega ultra rich so he has this big-ass house to put a hella lot of food in, and I'm not ashamed to say that I got _very_ well acquainted with the buffet table. But then Kenny came up to me and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing, missing a prime opportunity to woo Kyle. Spoilsport. But he was right, so I shared a teary farewell with the nachos and chicken drumsticks and went to find him.

There were so many people, it was a bitch to get through the crowd, but sooner or later I found Kyle sat on the couch next to Stan, who was sucking Wendy's face off. Kyle was three-wheeling it so hard. It was so funny to see, I almost took a picture to show everybody later, maybe upload it to the internet and tag it under #third-wheel, but you could tell by the look on his face he was hating every second of it (that's what I love about Kyle: he's very expressive – an open book, wears his heart on his sleeve), so I decided to be his knight in shining armour. I went up to him and offered my hand to him and asked him to dance like a true gent. Kyle didn't look too taken by the idea at first, but one look at Stan and Wendy made him able to take my hand in the end.

We went to the centre of the dance floor, and it was fun just jumping around with Kyle, watching him suck so hard at moving his Jewish body. But then the DJ changed up the mood and a slow song came on, so all the fucking couples rushed to the floor. Kyle got all nervous, doing that cute thing he does where he brushes a curl behind his ear but it springs back into place afterwards, and tried to make moves to leave, but he wasn't going anywhere, not on my watch. I grabbed his hands (and he probably noticed how clammy and shaky mine were, now that I think about it, shit) and pulled him into a slow, swaying dance. He seemed unsure at first, but after a while he started getting into it, and that fucking smile – the one I swear is going to be the death of me one of these days – broke out on his face, and it's likely he thought I was just messing around, making fun of all the slow-dancing couples around us, mocking their dancing and shit. But it was great, so whatever.

I had to do some serious cooling off after that, so I went to totally own the karaoke machine, which I was crowned the king of by the end of the night, and that's super cool and all, but that title doesn't matter to me, not as much as the fact that Kyle was watching my whole performance, laughing that fucking laugh and smiling that fucking smile and...Fuck, I want to kiss him. I really, really fucking do. More than having my balls sucked or my dick blown or fucking his ass, I just want to kiss him. Hopefully all this wooing shit works someday so that I can.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Kyle can't dance for shit, seriously. If I ever need to serve someone – cream some turds in a dance off – then he will be the last person I call. If I want to laugh my fucking ass off though, then he'll be the first.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Oh, goodness, I hope this was worth the wait. I know a lot of you were looking forward to this, getting your hopes up for it to be some big thing. I hope it was big enough. If not, please don't be mad at me! I'll cry!  
>In other news, does anybody else love the fact that Kyle can't dance for shit? 'Cause I do. I love it so hard. And, y'know, Eric totally loves it too. Makes him laugh. And, c'mon, you all know Eric would totally be the Karaoke King. Did you see him singing <em>Poker Face<em> in S13E11 _Whale Whores_? He was all over that shit. Sing your heart out, ya lil douchebag.  
>The good news is that I actually kind of know where I want this story to go now, and I'm averaging that in the end this whole thing will be about 20-25 chapters. Whoof. So stick around. Unless you're hating this. You're probably hating this, hehe...<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	14. Hella Gay Hug

Dear Diary,

Since it was a Saturday, me and the guys went to the cinema to watch a movie. I can't really remember what we watched though, cus I was just watching Kyle most of the time. Like I said, he's real expressive, so watching his reactions to stuff is just great. He got really into the film we were watching, so he was making all these awed sounds when action sequences were playing, and his eyes were going all big, and when bloody stuff happened he gagged and covered his eyes and turned away (towards me, hehe, reminded me of last Friday), and when sad shit went down he was crying, getting his sleeve all damp wiping his tears away. Kyle's the only pretty crier I know. Everybody else looks fugly when they cry, but not Kyle. It should be illegal to be that pretty.

Also, brace yourself for some big news, Diary, cus after the movie finished, when we got home and it came time to part ways, I actually grew the balls it took to hug Kyle. And not in the usual friend way. In our group, hugs have time limits – anything longer than five seconds and it becomes hella gay. I hugged him for ten. Also for our hugs, it is a rule that hands must remain on the other guy's back at all times. But when I hugged Kyle, I let my hands travel slowly, one to his waist and the other to touch his neck, which I nuzzled my face into. He smelt so good. Kyle had frozen up by that point cus the hug had been going on for over five seconds, and I waited for him to ask me what the hell I was doing or push me away, I dunno, something, anything except what he did do, which was stand there and let me hug him against the rules.

When I let go – letting my hands gradually slide away from him instead of giving him a parting clap on the back, thus breaking another guy-hug rule – I expected for him to be the living embodiment of fury, so you can imagine my surprise when he wasn't. He was blushing as red as his hair and looking so adorably confused and, shit, I could've kissed his cute face right then and there. But one baby step at a time, advised Kenny and Butters, so I just said goodbye and went across Stan's lawn to my house. I tried to stay cool doing it, but I was freaking the fuck out inside. I feel like I've been over-dosed on caffeine. I can't sleep because my mind keeps reminding me of the fact that Kyle never pulled away or pushed _me_ away. It makes me wonder how far up the stairs I am now.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. I'm sure now that I totally have a thing for biting. When I was nuzzling Kyle's neck, all I was thinking about was how much I wanted to sink my teeth into him and hear him yelp. Shit, that'd be a whole new level of cute and hot. Excuse me while I go jack off...

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Ballsy move, Eric. I'm surprised you didn't get hit. Like, 'cause I _was_ gonna make you get hit. But then I thought, "Nah. Cute shit." So here we are.  
>Also, I just realised that I forgot to thank you guys for reading in the AN's for chapters 12 and 13 and I'm so sorry! To make it up to you, I'll do triple gratitude here!  
>Thank you, <em>thank you<em>, _THANK YOU_ for reading this, and I hope you had as much fun doing so as I did writing it!**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	15. Ponds, Positivity and Poetry

Dear Diary,

The gosh-darndest fucking thing happened today. I went for a walk to Stark's Pond, and who do I see sitting on the bench there? None other than Kyle. Well, shit. Is this what they call fate? Are me and Kyle meant to be? Better be. Anyway, so there he was, sitting alone staring at the pond (_Pond_-ering life perhaps? Haha! I am so fucking hilarious, seriously.), so I went on up to him and asked him sup. He said nothing was up, but I told him he was wrong cus the sky is up (I swear, I should be a mother-fucking comedian!), but he didn't laugh at that or get mad or anything, he just sighed sorta sadly, so I sat down next to him and asked him what the heck was wrong with him. He said it was just family stuff, his mom getting on his back, so of course I had to say the _"Your mom's a bitch"_ line, cus that's a classic. That made him snap back to his usual self – get all mad at me. He told me to fuck off cus his mom wasn't a bitch, she just wanted what was best for him. And then he kinda just told me everything after that – how she wanted him to go to law school but he didn't wanna, but he can't stand up to her (cus she really is an actual bitch, no jokes). Hearing him, it made me kinda glad my mom's a doormat and doesn't push me to do shit. But I'm the man of my house and I've got authority. Kyle ain't, and he don't.

I didn't like seeing him all down – he's boring like everybody else in this hick town when he's down – so I told him to just man up, stand up to his mom, tell her it's his life and he's gonna do what the fuck he wants with it and she can just deal with it. I told him that he can't just spend his whole life getting walked all over by mommy, being mommy's little puppet, playing the games mommy wants to play the way mommy wants to play them, or else he was gonna be sad as shit for the rest of his life. I think I got through to him. I mean, he looked like he was mulling over what I'd said when I left to let him have time alone to think, and cus I had shit to do anyway, so that's kinda cool. I hope he does what I tell him for once. It'll be good for him, and might make him cheerier, which'll be good, cus his smile is way better than his frown.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. A walk around the pond made me wanna write poetry.

Your smile is really pretty,  
>And so is your booty.<br>I like you a lot,  
>So let's share some Fruit-y<br>Gums.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I'm becoming as big a dork as Eric. I was laughing pretty much the whole time while writing this, with his lame puns and jokes and poetry. God bless that child. And help him. And me. Please. Help.  
>Also, anybody like Fruit Gums? 'Cause I'm not a fan. Too chewy. Let's hope Kyle likes 'em though, if Eric really plans to share them with his pretty booty.<br>Thanks for reading this, and I hope you had as much of a laugh doing so as I did writing it!**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	16. Buddhism on a Bus

Dear Diary,

Ugh. Mondays. They never get any better. Well, it wasn't all bad. When I arrived at the bus stop, I expected the usual bored _"Hey, Cartman"_ from one of the guys (that was usually Kyle), maybe two if I was lucky, and not even a single glance sent my way. So imagine my surprise when I turned up and Kyle actually turned his head at my arrival to smile at me, like I was welcome there or whatever. I wasn't prepared for it so early on a Monday though – scratch that, wasn't prepared to witness one of his smiles _at all_ – so my face got super hot and I think I turned super red. I hope to Christ he didn't notice. Well, he didn't say anything about it, but when we got on the bus he sat next to me (and the seat next to Stan wasn't even taken, so what was up with that?) to say he'd taken my advice from yesterday.

Apparently he'd had a talk with his parents about his future – told them he appreciated them wanting the best for him but still didn't want to be a lawyer. His dad was cool about it, he said. He'd never realised Kyle felt that way before. See, Jew-boy? Speaking does wonders. His mom wasn't _as_ cool, he said, but still cool. She still thought he should be a lawyer, but she agreed to let him be open to other paths, and fall back on law if worst came to the worst (which ain't gonna happen cus Kyle's a nerd and he's gonna succeed in whatever he goes for). So although not everything's _totally_ cool, Kyle told me he feels better anyway. It was nice, he said, getting to stand up for himself for once. And then he smiled at me again, and he said, _"Thanks, Cartman."_ Don't hear that every day.

The rest of the bus journey was quiet, but that was alright. I didn't have anything to say, and if Kyle didn't either then that was fine. We just sat in the quiet. Not an awkward quiet though. More like, a sort of peaceful quiet. It was like some sorta Buddhist bus experience. He sat there smiling, and I sat there smiling (and sitting on my hands so I didn't grab his), and everything was awesome.

Bet you think it can't get any cooler than that. Well, guess again! We've been given a project in English, and no I'm not psyched about it cus I'm a nerd or some shit, I'm psyched about it cus my partner is Kyle. We've gotta make a super long essay, with an accompanying poster and shit, so we're gonna have to go to each other's houses to do it as homework, and that means alone time with Kyle! He invited me to his house to work on it after school, and it was so sweet. I mean, I had to deal with his mom staring daggers at me and his dad trying to make awkward conversation, but it was worth it when I got a couple of hours of just sitting across from him on his bed while he clacked away at his laptop doing the essay bull-crap, because he's the swot, and I made a rough sketch for the poster, cus I am an amazing artist, seriously. Kyle thinks so too. His exact words upon being shown the rough sketch were, _"That's great!"_ Seriously, hearing that is better than any ball-sucking he could ever give me...although it _would_ be pretty sweet if he'd suck my balls. Or kiss me. Either one's good. But the latter's preferred.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. English fucking sucks, seriously, it's so boring. The only good thing about it is Kyle's there.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Wow. Bloody hell. You know what? For once I haven't got anything to say. Except for maybe, enjoy the fluff while you can...  
>Thanks for reading this, and I hope you liked doing so as much as I liked writing it!<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	17. Cat Approval

Dear Diary,

School today was pretty lame. Nothing really happened. The only noteworthy thing is that at lunch, Kyle sat by me. That was cool. And we didn't fight either – just kinda sat there, ate quietly, and occasionally put our two cents into the conversation at the table, without having a go at each other's two cents. Stan commented on it – asked what was up with us, not fighting at all. And Kyle and me, we just kinda looked at each other, and shrugged. I dunno about him but, to be honest, I don't know what's up with us. Me and Kyle, we're just like that. We have phases. One minute we're hating each other's guts, the next we're friends just like any other. I've thought about it a lot, and I think we're like magnets. We can either repel each other, or attract – just depends which side is showing. I like it best when we attract though. As much as I like going at him and seeing him get mad, there's something nice about taking a break from that and just chilling with him.

After school, it was Kyle's turn to come to my house to work on our project together, and I was pretty stoked to realise that Mr Kitty likes Kyle. He was rubbing up against his legs and head-butting him and purring loud as a freakin' chainsaw when Kyle scratched him behind the ears. Kyle likes Mr Kitty too, I think, since, even though he's a mangy old cat and he's missing fur here and there and he always smells a little like his litter tray, Kyle was grinning at him anyway, and that's great, because Mr Kitty is my family, and I want my family and my maybe future boyfriend to get along. My mom likes Kyle too, I know, cus she keeps asking him about how school's going and trying to feed him up whenever he comes here. I mean, that ain't nothing too special cus my mom seems to like every-fucking-body, but I'm still relieved that she hasn't made an exception for him and likes him as much as everyone else.

We got work done – or rather, Kyle worked while I conducted an experiment: see how many pencils can stay in his curly-ass hair. Fourteen was what I got up to, until Kyle shook 'em all out and blew up at me and told me to get my fat ass in gear otherwise he'd kick it. One thing I've learned about Kyle: though small he may be, weak he is not. When he hits, he hits _hard_, so to save my ass I got on with the work. And then, when I'd finished the poster outline and he just had the bibliography left for the essay, we called it a night and played some Brawl. It was a good end to my day.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Kyle is as cute as cats to me. If you don't know, that is _very_ cute.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**If you don't know, it is very important to cat people that their cat likes their choice of partner, so Mr Kitty liking Kyle is very good news to Eric, right up there with gaining parental approval.  
>I probably use the magnet comparison too much for Cartman and Kyle, but, to me, it perfectly describes their relationship. Although parts of them repel one another, they've still got this natural magnetic pull between them that keeps them together. Damn. I ship these two so hard. And I ain't ever stopping. I will go down with this ship.<br>On a stupid note, I totally want to stick pencils in Kyle's hair. I wonder what'd happen? Maybe they'd get swallowed up in the curly abyss, and never be seen again...  
>Thanks for reading this, and I hope you liked doing so as much as I liked writing it.<br>**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	18. Eric Fuck-Up Cartman

Dear Diary,

I fucked up.

I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up.

Where did it all go wrong?

Okay, okay, deep breaths. Rewind. Piece it like a puzzle...

I went to Kyle's house after school to work on our English project with him. Okay. He'd been in his pyjamas – just a _Muse_ t-shirt and sleeping shorts, both of which showed off his bod in the best fucking way. Hot. He'd just had a shower before I went over there, so he was smelling especially good. Intoxicating. And then I'd asked for his opinion on the poster (stupid, stupid, I regret it so much) so he'd leant into me to get a look at it, and he'd looked so good and smelt so good and been so close and...Fuck...

I kissed him. I fucking kissed Kyle, and holy shitballs it was amazing. I thought it'd just be two wet mouths pressing together like when Wendy kissed me, but it really wasn't. I dunno, I can't describe it. His lips felt amazing. They were so soft, and so warm. And there was, like, electricity or some shit racing through me, and this fire or whatever burning me up inside, and my heart was pounding at a mile a minute, and I never thought that something so simple could make me _feel_ so much, and it was so addictive I could've done it forever...But then he'd pulled away and flung his hand across his mouth like it'd been _tainted_ and stared at me like he didn't know who I was, like I was some stranger on his bed...

Call me a coward, I don't care, but I'm not gonna lie, I got the fuck outa there as fast as I could – ran outa his room and down the stairs and away from that fucking house altogether – because there was no way I could've stayed there – not after what I'd done, not after the way he'd _looked_ at me after what I'd done. It'd felt great when I was kissing him, but now I just feel sick. My stomach is going crazy – those damn butterflies churning up all kinds of shit in there – and I feel..._dirty_. I mean...he didn't want that, y'know?...Just...just who am I kidding anyway? Kyle? Fall in love with _me_? I don't know what I was thinking, looking back. I could never woo him. He's made it pretty plain that he thinks a _"fat fuck"_ like me is gross, that he thinks I'm an asshole and could never stand to be around me for long, that he feels _violated_ by my touch...

God-fucking-damnit shit! Why can't I do just one thing right?! Fuck-Up should be my middle name, because it's all I do! I fuck up everything, every time! I know I do...So what's the point of trying anymore? I'm just gonna let myself down...Let _everyone_ down...It sucks, but for my own sake – for Kyle's sake – I've gotta face facts. It was nice acting like I had a chance, but now this game of pretend has to come to an end.

Yours fucking truly, Eric Fuck-Up Cartman

P.S. Maybe I should just give up on all this love bullshit and become a whore who fucks any old body like my mom. Maybe that's where I belong if I really can't keep it in my pants for five fucking measly minutes...

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I must be a sadist, doing this. Well, as some of you rightly guessed, there goes the fluff out of the window, booted out by angst. And Mootycakes, you made me laugh out loud when you asked for a Kyman kiss a couple of chapters ago, because you hadn't any idea I had this planned all along. Tell me, was it everything that you've always dreamt of? *Evil cackling*  
>Nah, but seriously, I am feeling sorry for him. Here comes Eric's insecure side. Along with my tiredness. Wow. Please excuse me, but I need to go lie down now. Whoof.<br>Thanks for reading this, and I hope you enjoyed doing so as much as I enjoyed writing it!  
><strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	19. That Boring Brooding Chapter You Hate

Dear Diary,

I actually am genuinely sick now. Had to take the day off school. My stomach just won't settle down, and it feels like I've been stabbed in the chest, and my brain thinks it's oh so fucking funny to give me a headache replaying the scene of me kissing Kyle over and over and over until I just wanna bash my head in and give myself amnesia or go into a coma or whatever, anything to just forget or be numb to this whole fucking fiasco. Kenny and Butters tried to visit me, but I made my mom turn them away. They tried calling and texting me too, but I turned my phone off. I don't wanna see or talk to anybody about the shit I've done or the mistakes I've made _again_. That'll just make everything hurt a lot worse.

I can't help wondering how Kyle is, what he's doing, what he thinks of me now. He was probably rubbing soap all over his mouth after my little stunt. Hell, I wonder if he knows what that was all about – that I'm in love with him. I wouldn't be surprised. He may be a dumb Jew but he's not completely stupid...

Shit. I'm a real fucking idiot, aren't I? I wish I could go back in time, to that Sunday a while ago where I decided to start wooing Kyle, so that I can punch Past Me in the face. Past Me is (was?) such a dick (I learnt that back when I froze myself that one time). I wish I could go back in time and just stop..._this_. I don't want things to be this way. I can be happy not being Kyle's boyfriend, really, just so long as I get to be with him. I just want to be able to look him in the face again, without everything hurting. I mean, I can't even _think_ about him. Thinking about him used to make me all happy and fluttery and stuff, but now it hurts so bad to do. And I think about him _all_ the time, so...Yeah. Constant pain. Fuck my fucking life.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Christ, I'm starting to sound like those lame Goth Kids with all this _"woe is me"_ bull-crap. Ugh, maybe I should go hang with them when I inevitably have to go back to school. Cus I'm pretty hella sure Kyle doesn't want me around him anymore...

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**_If you want to hug Eric and you know it, clap your hands!_ *Clap clap* Yeah, here's more angst, so if that's your kind of thing, then yay for you! If not, then *places consoling hand on your shoulder* sorry, dude. And know it pains me too.  
>Oh, no! What will become of our dorky douchebag with a crush now? Will he ever be able to face Kyle again? Will he become a lame Goth Kid? Will the muses ever inspire him to write ass poetry again? You'll find out next chapter, because PartiPooper was too cruel to answer those questions in this one!<br>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you cried doing so as much as I did writing it!**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	20. To See the Top of the Stairs

Dear Diary,

Just when I start to think life sucks, one good thing about it comes along to prove me wrong, the same way he always does. But I wasn't mad about being wrong this time. Quite the contrary.

I was hiding away from the world in my room most of the day, but was pulled out of that by intermittent clacking at my window – too little to be hail, too much to be nothing. So I went to the window and opened the curtains and who the heck was out there? Kyle, throwing stones. I didn't want to see him, let alone talk to him, but he'd already seen me, so I had to open my window to see what he wanted. _"We need to talk, Cartman." _Now if those aren't scary words, I don't know what the fuck are. Naturally, I told him no, there was nothing to talk about, but then he threatened to stand out there, all night long if he had to, and keep singing the first line of _Come Sail Away_ by Styx until I let him in. I still can't hear the first line of that song and _not_ sing the rest, so, to save myself from being up all night doing just that, I had to let him in.

You'd think that a guy who came throwing shit at my window at what-the-fuck o'clock at night would have a speech or whatever planned out. Hell, you'd think _Kyle_ would have a speech planned, full stop. He was always going around spewing speeches about what he'd learnt when we were younger. But when he came into my house, he just stood there for ages awkwardly shuffling his feet about, and as much as I love him it pissed me the fuck off. I dunno, I kinda just wanted him to say it already – how much he hated the kiss, how much he hates me, that he doesn't and never will like me like that, that he doesn't want to see me anymore – and get it over and done with. But when he finally spoke he didn't say any of that shit. I'm not a fainter, but he almost made me pass out when he said he'd..._liked_ the kiss. I mean, he looked so at war with himself when he said it, but he went right out and said he'd liked the kiss anyway...and that he liked me too. More than either of us had thought, apparently. The kiss kinda made him realise his feelings, he said.

Well, shit. It still blows me the fuck away. I don't get it. I don't get him. I don't get _any_ of this. But I don't care. Even if I don't get it, I'm still the happiest fucker in the world right now. Even if I don't get it, there was _no way_ in _hell_ that I was gonna say no when Kyle asked me to kiss him again. And it proved that the first one wasn't a fluke, cus I still felt all the same shit – fireworks and all that crap – except amplified by over nine thousand cus of my happiness level at the time. And he kissed me back that time, so it was triply amazing. Does kissing Kyle count as a hobby? Cus I could do that all day. All. Fucking. Day. Same goes for telling him how I feel about him. Kyle never looks shy or anything, but he did when I told him outright to his face that I love him, and it was so fucking cute. That's another reaction of his that's never gonna get old.

Anyway, I guess we're a..._thing_ now. Boyfriends, or whatever. And that's pretty cool. I mean, my plan didn't go quite the way I planned it to, but I reached the goal, so I don't give a fuck. That doesn't matter. What matters is now I can kiss Kyle whenever I want, hold his hand whenever I want, hug him whenever I want, for however damn long I want, in whatever damn way I want. Kyle is mine now. And I'm his. And it's totally fucking sweet.

Yours Truly, Kyle Broflovski's Boyfriend

P.S. Kyle may not be in love with me yet, but that's okay with me, because, for the first time, the stairs don't feel so daunting.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**So there you have it. The guy got the guy. Sorry it's late though - I got kind of stuck. I'm really worried all this stuff is happening too fast and abruptly, but it's hard to make it anything but in a diary entry. But anyway, hooray, I'm so happy for him! I hope you are too! If not, then oops. Sorry, guys.  
><strong>**Thank you for reading this, and I hope you had as much fun doing so as I did writing it.**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	21. The Return of Happiness

Dear Diary,

Being a boyfriend is so sweet, you don't even know. Since it was a Saturday, I was free to spend pretty much all day with Kyle. He came over to mine to finish our project stuff up, but we kinda got distracted by how great making-out felt, so we sorta worked for about five minutes and made out for ten, then worked another five before making out for fifteen, and so on, so forth. It took a long-ass time to get the project shit done cus of that, but that was okay cus it meant Kyle got to stay over for dinner. The best way to a guy's heart is through his stomach, right? And my mom is a super awesome cook, so I think getting Kyle to eat her food has kinda sealed the deal with this whole relationship thing. Though tempted to leave me he may be, the same can't be said about my mom's roasts.

I told my mom over dinner that I was going out with Kyle. He seemed pretty mortified about it, but he shouldn't have worried, seriously, my mom is so chill. She just said that was wonderful and told us to be safe and promised she'd pick me up some condoms next time she went out, and it was fucking hilarious how red Kyle went when she was talking about that shit. And he looked cute – that new, bashful look of his – when he talked to me about it after dinner, said he didn't wanna do any sex stuff yet. I told him that was cool with me, cus it is. I just feel happy that I can finally kiss him – that's enough for me for now.

Oh yeah, and I texted Kenny and Butters earlier and told 'em that I am single no more. They're as psyched as I am about it. Kenny said that it was about damn time and told me he was happy for me and asked me all the details about how it happened. He knew _some_ stuff though. Kyle told him about the kiss, apparently – him and Stan – and it sounds like Kenny said some stuff to Kyle about it that nudged him in the right direction. I need to high-five that smooth-talker next time I see him, cus I dunno whether Kyle would've came to me otherwise. Butters was clueless as fuck though (what else is new?), so I had to tell him pretty much everything. At the end of the run-through, he declared that the whole thing was great, and I couldn't agree more.

Not everybody thinks it's great though. Apparently, when Kyle went and told Stan about it, that hippie almost puked. Kyle says he just finds it weird and needs to get used to it, but I am totally prepared for Stan to come along and do the whole _"You break his heart, I break your legs"_ shebang. But whatever. Other people can think what they want. I don't give a damn. For the first time in a long time, I'm really, truly happy.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Rejoice! With the return of my happiness comes the return of my poetry.

Oh, Kyle,  
>With your ass so sweet,<br>How killer it is  
>That we did meet.<br>God must love me.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**No sex stuff? Aw, Kyle you're no fun! Ha, but no, seriously, if you're reading this expecting sex stuff then get ready to be severely disappointed, 'cause it ain't comin'. If there is something you'd like to see them doing though, then tell me. I'm open to suggestions, and if they take my fancy I may use them. Even if I don't use them, I love hearing cute Kyman ideas anyway. Honestly, gush about it with me all you want. Hit me up on a PM here or on my tumblr (parti-pooper) or whatever and tell me your cute little Kyman headcanons. They could be about the ship or its characters - I'm happy either way.  
>Hey, you know that feeling when your OTP becomes canon? Kenny's got dem feels right now. He's happy. Heck, they're <em>all<em> happy...Well, maybe not Stan, but he just needs to get better shipping tastes.  
>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you enjoyed doing so as much as I enjoyed writing it.<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	22. Douchebag and the Daunting Dinner

Dear Diary,

Well today was fucking scary. It wasn't meant to be. Me and my mom, we were just gonna have a movie day, but then Kyle called me to say he'd told his parents about _us_ last night and they weren't too happy about it and thought I was a bad influence and doubted he was thinking properly, blah blah blah. So I had to go to dinner at his place to convince them I'd changed like Kyle told them I had. Only problem with that is I haven't really changed. Shit. But, for our relationship's sake, I combed my hair, put on a nice sweater, and went over there. Kyle laughed at my appearance when he saw me though, the absolute dick. If his laughter wasn't so great I'd've kicked him square in the nuts.

Awkward is an understatement for the atmosphere over dinner. It was so tense, like those scenes from really upper-class dramas on TV, where the diners are all quiet and all you can hear is cutlery scraping and stuff and everybody's discreetly shooting each other weird glances. I mean, Kyle tried – gotta give the guy credit – he tried to be all light and jokey, and so did his brother. And his dad tried too (I like his dad best, I think), asking me stuff about what I was doing and what my future plans were, stuff like that. His mom though, she kinda just sat there quietly scrutinizing me, like, psychoanalysing my behaviour or whatever, I dunno. I felt like she'd got me under a microscope and was studying every little thing I did. And my sweater was itchy and hot, and I got all sweaty so the cutlery kept slipping outa my hands, and my hands were shaking, and...

It was awful. Just awful. It was an awful experience, and the worst thing is I don't think I can even say it was worth it in the end, because I'm not sure his family's opinion of me has changed. Kyle told me when saying bye to me at the door that he thinks it went well, but I have memorised every expression of his to heart, and when he said that to me, he was plastering his fake smile to his face. I think he and I both know it's gonna take a _lot_ more than one dinner for his family to warm up to me. _Especially_ his bitch mom. But Kyle's worth it, so I'm cool with that.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. I was too scared to touch Kyle at all when I was with him. His mom has hawk-eyes, and I think she'd've cut off my balls if so much as a finger just so happened to brush against him.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I have been thinking about getting Eric to have dinner with Kyle's family for a while, and what sealed the deal for me to write this was it being suggested by DarlingDecay. It's not light-hearted or fluffy, unless awkward situations make you laugh, but it's looking into the relationship between the boys and their families. Or rather, I'm pretending it is. Really it's not so deep - I just wanted to comb Eric's hair and put him in an itchy sweater and shove him into a situation he didn't want to be in. So now I am happy. Cruel, but happy.  
>I think Kyle's dad and brother would be more open to him dating Cartman. The former seems very easy-going, like he would be happy for Kyle to go do whatever so long as it made him happy, and the latter seems like he wouldn't care either way. His mom though, I imagine she has a special disdain for Cartman, what with him having performed that song and dance about her being a bitch, and having tried to exterminate the Jews that one spring. No doubt it's going to take a lot to get in her good books.<br>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you liked doing so as much as I liked writing it.**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	23. Sounding like Seagulls from Finding Nemo

Dear Diary,

Well, it was nice missing school for a bit, but today I had to go back. It wasn't so bad though, cus now I can hold Kyle whenever I want, so when he was all shivery while we were waiting at the bus stop, I was allowed to hug him from behind and pretend I was doing it for his sake. I mean, I kinda was, but more than anything it was just cus I wanted to. Kyle feels great in my arms – he slots in perfectly, like he belongs there – and it was hilarious watching Stan go all green. Was he jealous or grossed-out though? Probably both. Whatever, Kenny looked happy about it. And, like I said I would, I did high-five his little beggar hand, cus, seriously, what a bro he is.

And, also because I can now, there was no way I _wasn't _gonna hold Kyle's hand when walking into school. I mean, he's mine now, and I want every fucker in that joint to know. Kyle isn't _too_ happy about it. When I told him I'd fuck up anybody who got too handsy or touchy-feely with him, he told me that he'd fuck _me_ up for fucking anybody up. But whatever, I'm still gonna do it – just covertly, so Kyle doesn't notice. If I see anybody looking at him, I'll glare right back at 'em. The rules are no looky and no touchy. Kyle is _mine_, and mine alone. I was gonna hammer that fact in by kissing him in front of everybody when we had to part ways for different classes, but Kyle shoved his hand over my face when I leant in to do that and said he wasn't into kissing in front of lots of people. _Psh._ What a ball-breaker. But whatever, I'm not gonna push him to do something he doesn't want, otherwise I risk losing him.

Later in the day, me and Kyle presented our little, finished English project thing to the class, and we got a kickass grade for it. Seriously, we're both kinda geniuses, so when we put our minds together, cool shit happens. It always has – even when we were kids, we were super boss when we worked together. Just goes to show, maybe we were always meant for each other. I suggested that to Kyle at lunch, but he just called me a dumbass for it. He was blushing a little though. Red's my favourite colour and, I gotta say, it looks good on him.

Also at lunch, everybody was coming up to our table, asking whether we were dating and stuff. Kyle got annoyed cus he didn't think it was anybody's business but ours, but I'm a crowd pleaser, and, like I said, I want them all to know he's taken, so course I told them _hell yeah_ I'm dating Kyle and bragged about it. Kyle swatted me for it, but it was totally worth it.

Oh, and Stan _did_ have a bunch of bull-crap to say to me. He cornered me near the end of lunch, and went on and on about how Kyle's important to him and he won't let me hurt him and if this is a prank he'll never forgive me because Kyle's actually weirdly into me and blah blah blah. Whatever, I kinda tuned most of it out. But yeah, I get the gist. _"You break his heart, I break your legs." _I get it. Like I would ever hurt him. I mean, yeah, I know I used to, but I was a stupid kid back then. Now I've grown the fuck up, and I want Kyle to be happy, and nothing nor no one is gonna stop me from making sure he is.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. The poet in me is on a roll.

You got some serious junk  
>In the trunk,<br>You hunk.  
>And who'd-a thunk<br>That you could make my heart go ba-dunk?  
>…Ker-plunk.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Agh, no! Don't look at me! Don't touch me! Possessive Cartman is my guilty pleasure! Okay?! So there was no way I was_n't_ going to write him like that at some point! *Hides face ashamedly* I don't know what it is! Really, I don't! I just love it so much! I know it's wrong and twisted, but _hnngh_!  
>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you had as much fun doing so as I did writing it.<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	24. Boo, Wendy

Dear Diary,

I wish Kyle was more into kissing in public, because it's fucking hilarious. When I met up with the guys at the bus stop this morning, I kissed Kyle hello, and Stan actually fucking _gagged _and had to turn away and cover his mouth, haha! Seriously, that hippie has the weakest stomach ever. I'm going to make it my mission now to always try to kiss Kyle in front of him – see how long it'll take before the pussy actually barfs. I always imagined going out with Kyle would be fun, but this is greater than I'd ever expected. Like, the part where Kyle is my boyfriend is the coolest part, but there are other sub-cool parts, like everybody's reactions. When I walk through the hallways holding Kyle's hand, everybody looks confused as fuck, and some of them even do double-takes. It's so funny! Not all reactions are so fun though.

Boo Wendy Testabitch has to always have her say, it seems. I was worried at lunch because Kyle was late showing up, and when he finally did he said Wendy'd held him up to ask whether he was sure about dating me and whether he was sure I wasn't just pulling a fast one on him. I wouldn't give a damn, really – I don't give a fuck what Wendy thinks about anything ever – but it's just that she's kinda planting a seed of doubt in Kyle's mind. Like, even when I said she was talking bullshit and we had a laugh about it, even after that Kyle still had to ask, _"You aren't pranking me, are you, Cartman?"_ Dude. Lame. I told Kyle that was a stupid question, but I can still see that seed of doubt in his eyes, when he's all quiet and thoughtful-looking. I need to talk to Stan and tell him to curb his dog before she ruins all my hard wooing work.

Also, I swear the amount of people walking up to Kyle and talking to him has increased. I don't know what they talk about, but a bunch of people are always standing way too close to him when I'm not there, and it scares the shit out of me, in case they're all just like Wendy, telling him he could do better and he shouldn't trust me and he should break up with me and shit like that. So I always have to jump in there and glare 'em all down to frighten 'em away. Looks like I've gotta keep a closer eye on Kyle, otherwise one day I'll blink and he'll be gone.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Kyle being gone is one of my worst nightmares, right up there with that one where hippies take over the world.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

***Sweats nervously* Okay, so now I only have a very vague idea of where I'm going with this. Oh, gosh. Tying up a fic into a neat, satisfying little bow is hard to do. But I'm trying, guys, believe me. Sorry if I'm dragging it out too long for your liking though. Feel free to give up reading this whenever you get bored of doing so. I won't blame you.  
>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you liked doing so as much as I liked writing it.<br>**

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	25. Doubting Douchebag

Dear Diary,

I'm going crazy. I feel so on edge of the time, no matter where I am or what I do. I'm always panicking, wondering whether people are telling Kyle not to trust me, whether Kyle's doubting me, whether Kyle's planning to break up with me, whether any minute he's going to call me or come up to me to tell me it's over between us, before it's even begun, before I even got a chance to prove myself to him. I'm stressed out of my mind, and it's all Wendy's fault, and there's nothing that can be done to stop her. I mean, I _told_ Stan to curb his dog, but that pussy just shrugged and said he couldn't. Psh! He needs to stop letting Wendy walk all over him, because then she'll think that if she can walk all over him, then she can walk all over everybody, and all _their_ relationships which aren't _any_ of that bitch's business. Now thanks to her sowing her seeds of doubt I feel like I can't ever leave Kyle alone. I have to sneakily tail him everywhere to make sure people aren't feeding him lies, and I gotta stay close to him whenever I can to show him how much I love him. It feels like he's analysing every single move I make now though (feels like his mom at dinner on Sunday all over again), and if he sees me trip up _once_, then that'll be it. Boom. Kyle gone. Chance over. Love lost.

It's hard monitoring Kyle on my own though, so I've got Butters to help me. I mean, he didn't want to at first cus he said he thought I was being paranoid, but he's a dumb shit so if he believes one thing then I'm gonna believe the complete opposite. I convinced him to join my cause and together we make the Kyle Defence Squad. I invited Kenny to be a part of it too, but he said he was out, and no amount of waving dollar bills in his face made him budge. Well, y'know what? Fuck him. Me and Butters can do our job just fine. So now whenever I can't be with Kyle (cus of classes or whatever) but Butters can, then Butters will be keeping an eye on him for me. We're gonna keep everyone away from him until I stop seeing that doubt in his eyes.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Seriously, I'm so anxious I can't even think of good poetry. This shit Wendy started better blow over soon.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Eric. Chill. You goin' cray-cray. But Eric don't know how to chill. So cray-cray he shall stay. For now, anyway...Hey, all that sorta kinda almost rhymed. Well then, in that case, there's your poem for today, haha!  
>Thank you for reading, and I hope you liked doing so as much as I liked writing it.<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	26. Bros and Booties

Dear Diary,

The Kyle Defence Squad is working a charm. No one's been able to get close to Kyle all day, thanks to my and Butters' efforts. Heck, Stan's the guy's best friend, but even he hasn't gotten anywhere near him (I don't want him talking to Kyle when he may be spreading his bitch girlfriend's propaganda against me at him). It's going great, so it pissed me off when Kenny came up to me and told me to lay off. Seriously? Lay off and risk losing what I've worked so hard to get? Not on my watch. I told him he could fuck right off with that, so he did, but not before telling me it'd backfire against me. What the heck is that poorer-than-a-church-mouse piece of crap talking about? I dunno, but whatever it is, I ain't listening. I have other things on my mind, like how Kyle's been lately.

Kyle's been kinda sad-looking whenever I've been hanging with him. I don't get why, but I've been trying to stop it. I've been showing him that I love him, y'know. I've had at least one arm around him at all times, and I hold his hand and kiss him whenever I can (and whenever he'll let me, which is pretty much when no fucker is looking, so almost never), but he still doesn't look too happy. He's probably just thinking about all the shit Wendy said the other day though, so I probably just need to wait for now, and keep close to him while keeping everyone else away from him.

Well, at least the good news is that I think me and Butters are becoming closer cus of this. Like, whenever we meet up to do a pass-off for Kyle Monitoring Duties we talk for a couple minutes, to give a stat report or whatever, and normally end up talking about other unrelated shit as well, shows and stuff. And we've invented a pass-off high-five, so it feels all official when we hand Kyle over. Don't get me wrong, Butters is still a pussy, but he ain't such a bad pussy now. He's a good pussy. If that's a thing? Well it is now. I've come up with it. And if I've come up with it, it's cool.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Forget Kenny. Butters is being my true bro right now. Also, this whole thing's inspired more kickass poetry.

Need bros to help protect your booty  
>Cus it's a literal treasure.<br>I'm never gonna give it up  
>Cus it's for my viewing pleasure.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Arr, Pirate Eric be thirstin' for that booty. And the seven seas. But mostly the booty.  
>Yay for developing friendship! Boo for sad Kyle though. Awh. What could be wrong with him? You shall find out next chapter.<br>Also, you'll be pleased to know that I am no longer stuck. I definitely one hundred percent...or ninety-nine percent...or ninety percent...Whatever, the point is I now know where I am going with this and how I am going to tie it up now, and in the end it will have either 29 or 30 chapters, depending on how it goes (most probably 30 though, 'cause I like whole round numbers). Yes, it is different from my initial judge of 20-25 chapters, but screw you guys, these things change.  
>Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed doing so as much as I enjoyed writing it.<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	27. Douchiest Douchey Douchebag

Dear Diary,

Wow, so today's been sucky. Mainly because Kenny was kinda right, when he said my Kyle Defence Squad would backfire on me. Like, it was going well at first (or so I thought). Everybody was staying away from Kyle so they couldn't make him doubt me. Apparently though, that was_ why_ Kyle had been so sad. Or so he told me. Or rather, yelled at me. It happened after I butted into a conversation he was having with Stan, and kind of beat the hippie away. Kyle didn't like that, and _boy_ did he let me know it.

When I scared Stan away, Kyle suddenly just _blew up_ at me, saying how he was sick of me hanging all over him, how he was tired of being watched by me, how he hadn't been able to talk to anyone for ages because me and Butters were always warding people off, how he was lonely all cut off from the rest of the world by me, and how he wanted me to just leave him the fuck alone. And then he stormed off, and just left me there feeling like the biggest douche in the universe. And maybe I am, y'know. Fuck.

I tried to talk to him later, when I saw him at the end of the day on the bus going home, but by then he'd already assembled his own little Kyle Defence Squad, made up of Stan and the traitor Kenny, and they both cut me off in the bus aisle so I couldn't get to him. Stan told me to fuck off and Kenny told me to just give Kyle some space. So that's what I did. I didn't try to talk to him on the bus, and when we made it to our stop, I just let him go right on home, no goodbyes or nothing.

I feel like such a fucking ass now though. I got so caught up in me that I totally forgot how Kyle feels. Man. I really _haven't_ changed, have I? I'm still a selfish asshole, and Kyle's grown sick of it. I wonder if he'll ever speak to me again, or whether I've just fucked _myself_ over. The cruel fucking irony of it all.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Being in love sucks. Everything hurts ten times worse.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Either all you guys are too smart or this story is too predictable (most likely both), because a whole bunch of you guessed that something like this would happen. Well, there you go, you now know the reason for Kyle's sadness (although some of you already knew). Eric really has royally fucked himself over here. Kyle doesn't like being controlled, so one has to wonder whether he's going to stick with someone so controlling as Eric. Your guess is as good as mine...Actually, no, my guess is better because I'm writing the bloody thing, haha! But, no, you're all so good at guessing, you probably know how this story is going to end. It must be a bore reading something so predictable, so it means a lot that you're all still reading in spite of the predictability. Thank you so very much, really, I can't thank you enough.  
>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you liked doing so as much as I liked writing it.<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	28. Forgiveness is Sweeter than Pick-n-Mix

Dear Diary,

Every day I think Kyle and the things he says and does are going to get old. Predictable. But then he surprises me yet again and proves my thoughts wrong. Seriously, I thought I'd fucked myself over, so when Kyle turned up at my house, I thought it was to break up – especially cus he was looking all irritated – but it wasn't for that. He said he'd got his space and cooled off so he was ready to talk. He asked me why I was being so damn clingy, so I told him why – Wendy, and the seed of doubt, and the Kyle Defence Squad. And he told me that he'd only considered what Wendy'd said for, like, a second, and then he'd stopped. So all that time, all the doubt I saw in his eyes, it was all in my head. That's a relief. But now I feel like an idiot. And he agreed I'm an idiot, but he forgave me anyway. He admitted that, yes, he thinks that I'm a stupid idiot and that I'm selfish and inconsiderate and I piss him off and drive him crazy a hell of a lot, but he still likes me anyway. Hearing that nearly knocked me the fuck down. He said he was still mad about me cutting him off from the world though, so told me that it'd better stop, _"or else." _And I don't wanna find out what that or else is, so I'm gonna stop.

So that was that. We talked it out, and now I'm feeling pretty sure Kyle isn't gonna leave me anytime soon. I mean, why would he, right? I'm a great catch. Haha, but seriously, I felt so relieved when he told me all that stuff about how he liked me and didn't doubt me, that I couldn't help picking him up and hugging the shit out of him. He complained about it and said he couldn't breathe, but he hugged back so I think he was okay with it. And then we made out for a bit, and kissing him feels best when there's no doubts on my mind. Sadly, I didn't get to kiss him long before he made me make a few calls: to Butters, to say sorry for dragging him into the Defence Squad, and to call it off; to Stan, to say sorry for being an ass; and to Kenny, to say sorry for putting up with all my shit. They all accepted my apologies, and that was cool and all, but the thing is I never would've apologised to so many people so much on my own. But Kyle makes me do things I'd never even imagine doing. I kinda don't hate that though. I kinda can't hate anything about Kyle anymore. Not really.

Since it was a Saturday, and Kyle was there anyway, we decided to hang out the rest of the day. I'm amazed Kyle isn't sick of me after I've been clinging to him all week. And grateful. Super grateful. So yeah, we went out to town, to go watch some dumb movie. The best thing was that Kyle held _my_ hand when we were walking down to the cinema. Normally I'm the one who's gotta get all the PDA going, so that was sweet. And I totally didn't blush, okay? I'm not gay...I mean, I am, but...Oh, whatever! Anyway! We went to the cinema, and we picked out a bunch of Pick-n-Mix candies to eat while watching. Kyle just got a couple of shovels of some bland stuff. Meanwhile, I filled an entire bag. It's Pick-n-Mix, bitch, so go cray-cray. Kyle called me fat for it, but I wasn't too bothered. When _hasn't_ he called me fat? Besides, if he really cared about my weight then he wouldn't be dating me.

Oh, and going right back to PDA: half-way through the movie – cus it was dumb so neither of us were really watching it – I started up making out with Kyle in the cinema, and it was dark and pretty much nobody else was there anyway so he went along with it, and man was it cool! Kissing in the dark feels fucking fantastic! Maybe it's that thing where when one of your senses is lost, all your other senses become way awesomer to make up for it, so since we couldn't see, everything felt ten times better. It made me so glad that Kyle's kissing me again. Heck, I'm so glad Kyle's _talking_ to me again. I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't. Cry, maybe. If I wasn't so manly, I mean...

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Being in love is seriously the greatest feeling ever.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**And so, the cute dumb dork has been forgiven by the cute smart dork, and he has learnt his lesson about being clingy. Hopefully this means that their relationship shall be smoother from now on, with the element of doubt eliminated and a sense of understanding reached. And now we can all look forward to pure fluff from here on out, which is my true calling in life. Angst is okay, but I think I tackled too much of it here, for it has tired me the heck out. I must return to cuteness, so get ready for that.  
>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you had as much fun doing so as I did writing it.<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	29. Shopping and Serenading and Shitty Wok

Dear Diary,

This afternoon, since it was a Sunday, and cus I wanted to celebrate not losing the person I love, me and Kyle went out on a date. This time though, I didn't get help from Kenny, or Butters, or anyone. I just did it all by myself. I was myself, like Ken told me to be from the start, and I think it actually worked out. Maybe Kyle _does_ like me the way I am. If he does, that'd be so kickass.

We went to the mall first of all, to do shopping and shit. We went to pretty much every store, just cus we could. Like, we went to the toy store, and it was fun for a while – I pushed all the 'Try Me' buttons on all the toys, and though Kyle told me off for it he was still laughing about it. I even got him to let loose and have a fight with plastic swords with me, but we got kicked out for that. Even then, Kyle was still laughing about it. I think he likes not acting like a Goody Two-Shoes sometimes, and just doing bad stuff his mom wouldn't like him doing. And he can do that stuff with me, so I think he likes me for that. Similarly, I kinda like how he makes me feel good. Like, morally. I mean, he got me to say sorry to a bunch of people for stuff I did yesterday. I couldn't've done that on my own. With Kyle, I feel like I can be good, like everybody wants me to be. Like I kinda wanna be. But not _too_ good. I don't wanna be a pussy.

After that, we went to the game store, where we browsed for just a couple minutes, and then played the demo games a whole half hour. We probably pissed off a bunch of people who wanted to have a turn on the demo games, but fuck 'em, me and Kyle had a blast. We had as much fun when we went to a music store and rocked out on the display instruments for a bit. Kyle can play a couple of things, like keyboard and guitar, but not amazingly. Meanwhile, I think I impressed and further wooed the heck out of him with my instrument repertoire. I don't care that Kenny told me serenading is so two thousand and late, cus I went right ahead and serenaded Kyle anyway, on the keyboard, guitar, ukulele, violin, and harmonica. I think serenading worked. I mean, I dunno if Kyle is any closer to being in love with me, but he was laughing and smiling when I did, so he liked it, I think. And this time, when I saw him smiling and felt the urge to kiss him, I could actually do it. Well, Kyle didn't think I could, cus he's still not into public kissing. But fuck it, I'll kiss him in public anyway.

When we were done at the mall, we went to eat dinner at City Wok, where I made Kyle laugh beautifully by sticking chopsticks in all my facial orifices, and then to end our date we went for a walk to Stark's Pond. It was great – we walked all around the edge of the pond, and we held hands the whole time, and it had the romantic atmosphere and all that. The sun was setting so the sky was a sweet-ass red, but with buttery yellow clouds, and the water was all calm and still and pretty and stuff, and it was perfection at a pond side, seriously. It was all serene and shit, and that's weird cus life in this town is _never_ serene. But with Kyle, right then, it was. Everything was just so right, and everything went the way I wanted it to.

I got kinda caught up in the moment, I gotta admit, cus when we stopped to sit at the bench, I told him I love him, and yeah, I'd already told him that before, but it was more _poignant_ this time, cus it was, like, a moment or whatever. And when I told him, the colour of his face matched the sky, and he looked so..._happy_. He believed me when I told him I love him, and he looked so happy that I love him. He was so happy he kissed me – _he_ kissed _me_, not the other way round for the first time – and I felt loved back. Maybe I was. Maybe I am. Maybe he does love me too, and I've just gotta wait for him to say it. If that's the case, I could totally wait. I could wait a million years and then some. Just so long as he's with me, I don't care.

Yours Truly, Eric Cartman

P.S. Today was very artistically inspiring, so I came up with another masterpiece.

Your hair is red,  
>You are a hot Jew,<br>Your ass is so sweet,  
>And I love you.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I cannot even begin to express how happy I am writing fluff again - my true calling. The cuteness makes me smile, every time. I had so much fun writing this whole entire chapter. It's so adorable, I want to squish these losers' cheeks!  
>Thank you for reading this, and I hope you had as much fun doing so as I did writing it.<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.**


	30. Dear Douchebag

Dear Eric,

This is your boyfriend, Kyle, who may or may not have peeked in your diary with Kenny. I also may or may not have felt weirded out by but laughed my ass off at your _"poetry"_ (if it can even be called that). Furthermore, I may or may not have felt a little bit touched by the overall contents of this. In all honesty now, I never realised how you felt, and if you hadn't kissed me that one time then I probably never would, neither would I have realised how _I_ feel about _you_ (so I guess that wasn't really a fuck-up on your part). And how _do_ I feel about you? Well, it's not something that I find easy to say – especially when the person I am saying it to is a fat, stupid, selfish, arrogant, conniving, greedy asshole – but if I don't say it then you're probably going to keep on worrying uselessly about me breaking up with you until your paranoia drives you to do something stupid that could endanger the whole world. Therefore, I feel that, for everyone's sakes, I must admit that I love you. No need to wait a million years or more; I'm telling you now, and I mean it. I love you, Eric. I don't know since when – maybe just now; maybe I always have and neither of us have ever known – but the point is that I _do_ love you, and though I can't imagine the rest of my life with you, at the same time I can't imagine the rest of it without you…Does that make sense? Probably not. Us two though, we never do. Never have, and never will. But that suits me just fine.

Love, Kyle Broflovski (AKA, Eric Cartman's boyfriend)

P.S. My ass feels more loved than I do.

* * *

><p>Dear Eric,<p>

Wow, you so gay, bro.

Lots of Love, Kenny xx

P.S. Here's a poem for ya:

Don't leave your diary  
>Out for all to see,<br>Or else it'll be read  
>By your boyfriend and me.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Haha, I couldn't _not_ add this chapter when it was suggested to me by SouthParkFan99 - it is far too funny to exclude! These dorks are all such dicks, I swear, I love these losers.**  
><strong>Well, this has gone on longer than I ever intended for it to, and I'm impressed that you've all managed to stick with it the whole way through. But this is now - as they say - it. The end. I hope it's agreeable with you (if it's not, I sincerely apologise), and I hope you're as happy as I am about this. I'm not just happy because I had a blast writing it - which I really, truly did, I had so much fun writing this whole thing; even when I got stuck it was still sort of fun figuring out how to get unstuck - but because of how much support this story has gotten. I really wasn't expecting for this to get as much attention as it did, but...Wow. Here we are. I still can't believe it. I mean, this sucks so much. Everybody could do the same and anybody could do better than me, and there are so many better stories out there you could be reading. I am not being modest but honest when I say that I absolutely in no way deserve all the kindness you have given me, so it really means a lot to me, more than I can convey in words. This thing is so lame though, it really wouldn't have become what it is without you, each and every one of you who cheered me on or followed for updates or favourited and kept me feeling that writing was worth it. I could never even <em>begin<em> to put my gratitude into words, so I hope a simple thank you will suffice. Just know that it is said with much love, more love than I could ever hope to articulate.**  
><strong>If you liked this, then I hope you are pleased to hear that I am actually considering writing a partner fic to this in the future: <em>Journal of a Jew<em>. It's pretty much all the events from this story, but all from Kyle's perspective, so it would be seventeen chapters of him freaking the fuck out about Cartman acting like a weirdo and then thirteen chapters of him going _"oh ok lol ily2." _Sucky premise, I know, but what do you think? Yay or nay?**  
><strong>Anyway, this whole thing was partly multi-chapter practice. I had never written a multi-chapter before now, so I needed to find out how they work on this site. And now that I know, hopefully I'll be uploading more multi-chapters! I have ideas...I just need to...*gulps fearfully*...write them out...Oh, dear...Wish me luck! I'm going to need it!<strong>  
><strong>Thank you ever so very much for reading this, and I hope you had as much fun doing so as I did writing it!<strong>

**Disclaimer: South Park does not belong to me, but to its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone...Dude, this should be pretty obvious by now. I mean, if I owned South Park I'd be making these two cute, dorky losers kiss _in the show_, not _here_. C'mon. Seriously.**


End file.
